It's been a tough month to say the least. Hard financially, hard emotionally, hard heart-wise. One of those times where you just *ache* for a move of God. All the same, I've felt God's presence--felt like He was right there despite all appearances. Let me share two "whoa" moments that happened this last week.
1.) It's a thursday night. Storms have knocked out power since about 6pm. My hubby heads off to a movie with the girls. I'm at home with the twins--and candlelight. All the while remembering how easily candles can burn a home down. Things that week have been very hard on me. I'm feeling very much abandoned and forgotten (yeah, I know...that's not true, but it's how I felt and even though I battled those thoughts, they were still there). Anyway, the boys and I are sitting there coloring. I have a box of 72 colored pencils. Can't see worth beans, since it's about 7:30 now and all I have are candles. I'm near the verge of tears, but knowing how much that unsettles the kids, I hold the tears back. I need a gray pencil. Is there even a gray in this box? I tilt the box downward hoping to dump several out. Guess what. Only *one* pencil slides out. A gray one. I look out the open window (we have a porch where it won't get wet if we open the windows on a stormy night), and I know God is there. He knows. He sees my pain. He sees my heartache. The pain lessens a tad.
2.) This week I read Karen Ball's Shattered Justice. I saw the cover at the ACFW Conference in Nashville, but I couldn't afford to buy it. This cover is by far one of my favorites of all time. Something about the image just really clenched my heart. I start her first chapter and I'm riveted, which is really hard to do since I consider myself an "impatient reader." Ya don't grip in the first few pages, I won't read it. Well, Karen's book did that and more. So, I read...and read...and read. And! I found myself getting angrier and angrier and angier. What was happenign to her character Dan Justice (though fiction) mirrors a lot of the pain I've been feeling lately. THEN!!! THEN! Then Karen has this note at the back of the book. I could swear (even though I don't LOL) that God had her pen that *just for me.* I bawl. I know I'm angrier than I realized ever before. I so appreciate her honesty in that note that "I'm not there yet."
That was an epiphany for me. I knew right then that *that* is WHY I want to write. I want to touch a nerve in people, get them to drop their defenses. To clear away the clutter in their lives so they can move into clear, loving fellowship with God.
I'm not 100%. I'm not pain-free...the circumstances are still there, the trials are still going on. But in God, I have hope. And dreams.
So, tell me--WHY DO YOU WRITE? Why do you do what you do?